Qxr Monthly 202408 - 魔法少女秋小日

What I Watched#

"Kong Yiji" "Blessing"

I really like Lu Xun, but I haven't systematically read many of his works. I took some time to read his essays; the language is concise, and the pieces are short, perfect for reading in fragmented time. When reading "A Madman's Diary," I felt a chaotic sensation, but when I read these classic pieces, I was still shocked by the precision and conciseness of the language and the control of the article's structure. Some paragraphs I couldn't help but savor multiple times, both beautiful and a bit painful, which I really like.
- "The Time Traveler's Hourglass" "The Falling of the Dongdong Suspension Bridge"
  Interesting detective novels.
- "Ashes of Time"
  I quite like Jia Zhangke's works, but like Kusturica, there’s always a feeling of repetitive elements piling up; Kusturica is still impressive.

Articles#

Random Thoughts#

System#

Recently, I've met many people in the system while playing games, and they all seem quite happy. It seems like I'm the only one living in such pain. They often sigh when they see me playing games and ask why I always sigh. I don't know how to answer; should I say that living is too exhausting?

They really seem to worry very little, working at ten and getting off at five, occasionally working on weekends, seemingly having a two-hour lunch break, and the unit also has dormitories and canteens. Aside from the salary looking a bit low, life in their hometown is quite comfortable and decent.

I just don't like this kind of life. As a programmer, I prefer work that is challenging and creative. Many programmers even have a bit of a "rebel" attribute, so naturally, they are less willing to enter the system.

Perhaps since ancient times, officials and ordinary people have lived in two different worlds. The slogan "The people are the masters of the country" makes me forget my identity, while the people below are already exhausted from the competition, and those above still feel that there aren't enough laborers; they are just resources.

A few who take the teacher qualification exam genuinely love education, and a few who take the civil service exam are genuinely for the people, seeking stability isn't a bad thing. It's just that some people, once they are on the shore, start enjoying life, and before long, they no longer care about the people's affairs.

The speech of that civil servant sister can only be said to be on a different side from the common people

You might say that if you're not in that position, you shouldn't meddle in that job; civil servants should just do their own thing. However, there are quite a few who should be serving the people but act arrogantly, and naturally, someone like Hua Chunying, who comes from a bureaucratic family, can say, "I am also one in 1.4 billion; why don't I feel unhappy?"

From speed limits on electric bikes to mandatory helmets to batteries not being allowed in homes, riding a small electric bike at a speed of 25 km/h is so troublesome. I clearly bought a big brand with 3C certification as required, yet they still shout about battery dangers. Let it be dangerous; if I die, I can still compensate my family with tens of thousands.

While cursing the evils of capitalism, the labor laws of socialism can be easily trampled. Mixing oil tanks and reselling corpses, I feel my imagination is a bit lacking. Communism seems like a belief; when oppressed, one gives oneself a shot of adrenaline, "We are working for the happiness of future generations," even though this shot is becoming less effective. Focusing solely on development while ignoring the happiness of contemporary people, a state that is not people-oriented is just a ruthless operating machine. After all, what relationship can a machine engraved with socialism have with communism? Communism doesn't even have the concept of a state machine.

Work#

A million unwillingnesses, the project still ended up using Rust. Writing Rust feels like engaging in SM; it's both painful and pleasurable. The pain is real, and the pleasure is real too.
Before starting to write Rust every day, I have to find a bunch of other things to do for psychological preparation, and then I start coding. Once I get into it, it’s quite elegant, but it would be better if I didn't have to write at all.
Writing Rust is one thing, but I also ended up using an ECS architecture I’ve never used before. The two things fit quite well, like building with Lego; it just clicked. The process of discussing the design of this architecture was quite interesting; I’ll organize it when I have time.

Games#

I wanted to play "Black Myth: Wukong," but after downloading it, I just couldn't muster the interest. There are too many invisible walls, and there are some frame drops. After playing for a while, I closed it, mainly because I didn't find it fun enough.
I actually don't love playing AAA games. I was previously mocked by an old friend for not really loving games. Is it only single-player gamers who truly love games? Are we online gamers not human? Anyway, I love playing PUBG, LOL, and Tavern Brawl; what does it matter what I play?
Speaking of Tavern Brawl, although Blizzard's betrayal is disgusting, I still want to play. I always thought of myself as someone who practices what they preach, but since NetEase and Blizzard have reconciled, as a player, clinging to grievances only tortures myself. If I want to play, then I’ll play; even Lao Huang can milk Huahua.

Life#

Clearly, in April, I was excitedly making detailed plans for my trip to Japan in May, and I had a great time. However, once I returned home, it felt like I lost all my energy; my original life rhythm was completely disrupted. I became lazy about making videos, lazy about writing my monthly newsletter, and even lost interest in solo Citywalks. Plus, with my sister coming home for the summer vacation, I completely fell into a slump in Shanghai.

Maybe I just don't want to pretend to live hard anymore.

Last August, when my old friend left Shanghai, it has been exactly a year. The days of living together for more than three years, whether beautiful or filled with arguments, were abruptly halted. I started forcing myself to go out more. I first scheduled a small surgery I had always wanted to do. When I went to the hospital for the second time, the nurse said I looked more confident than when I first came in. Shocked by the nurse's frankness, I had to admit that I was indeed quite socially anxious the first time I went. Later, I overcame my laziness and annoyingly consulted a dozen doctors. Now it seems I successfully scheduled the surgery I wanted, having waited a year, and I completed it smoothly a month ago; I have already recovered quite well. During this time, I also fell in love with video editing, tried to keep writing blogs, and met a variety of people, and so on.

Doing these things made me look like I could live independently even alone, and I started to believe it myself.

Until I completely adapted to living alone, I completely lost my drive and no longer wanted to do anything to prove I could. What kind of life have I lived in the past few months? I didn't have the energy to pick up a package that arrived over a month ago, my sheets hadn't been changed for several days, clean clothes were just thrown on the drying rack, and I wouldn't collect them unless absolutely necessary. The clothes I did collect were just tossed into the wardrobe, and I only realized I needed to refill the cat food when the kitten meowed. I only remembered to scoop the cat litter when the kitten struggled to dig. I suffered from insomnia night after night, didn't like garbage sorting, and always secretly took out the trash at midnight. Thank goodness I still remembered to take out the trash.

I felt like a rat in a sewer. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I tried to recall what exactly happened. It seems like a month ago I still had some happy feelings, looking forward to playing PUBG with friends every day, secretly working hard to get better, and my sister would call me every day, and I had plenty to talk about with my old friend. Until my sister said she called me to borrow my phone to play, my heart sank a little; I also had disputes with friends while gaming, and the simple joy was gone. Although it’s said not to mix politics with life, my views with my old friend increasingly clashed, and we both felt the other was a bit unreasonable.

I’m going crazy; I’m not going to try anymore. What’s wrong with being a useless person?

In fact, since the unblocking of the Shanghai pandemic and my old friend losing his job for more than half a year, a sense of despair has surrounded my life. You can't see it, but it exists in reality: distrust of the government, worries about the economic downturn, and the constant fear of losing my job linger in my mind. The longing for the future I had when I just graduated is nowhere to be seen. Back then, I would naively plan how much I needed to save over several years based on my salary, and my old friend would laugh at me for thinking too much. Nowadays, having a job seems to defeat 95% of the people in the country; it seems I should feel happy? But I can't go back to those carefree days.

Not long ago, my old friend suddenly fell into a fear of death. I told him that he was afraid of dying because he was attached to living. This kind of fear seems a bit luxurious to me because I don't have much attachment or motivation to live. I see others living, so I live too, but I still find living very difficult. Perhaps all suffering comes from human helplessness.